Day 1 of Diet – honest assessment/evaluation about extra weight
Dieting for me is a physical and emotional process. My blog goal is to keep track daily of both physical and emotional progress/standing. Sometimes it’s hard to know what you feel until you write about it. Gaining weight is usually an unconscious process whereas weight loss typically requires very conscious attention. And this was definitely an emotionally based weight gain, so I want to make sure I stay “awake” for this.
This is really kind of depressing. It wasn’t that long ago that I was not 15 pounds overweight. 4 months ago I was thin. 5 months ago I was even thinner. In fact, 4 months ago I had been thinking that I wanted to lose a few pounds and make that my new “regular weight” (I was still feeling very buoyant about my new lower weight the month before). I was thinking it would be nice to have a little “buffer zone” so I could have a little binge every once in a while.
Anyway, that was then.
Today, on March 28th, the first day of my diet – I am definitely overweight (15 pounds) and fighting an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. Part of that is because I allowed myself one last binge day yesterday (in anticipation of my planned diet) and I regret it today. What was I thinking? It doesn’t help lessen the cravings, at all, to binge. I know this why? From experience. But being unable to change yesterday (or the last 4 months of yesterdays), I hope it will be motivating. That’s another reason I am writing about this – I want to head off my self-destructive thoughts/behaviors and replace them with positive affirmations/actions. If I write down what I am thinking and feeling, it seems to help, so here goes. Although I’m sick of thinking about it, I’m gong to, so I might as well make the process as positive as possible.
I think this is a very common thing for women when it comes to weight and having more than we want – self-hate really escalates. At least it seems to be a common denominator with most of the women I know or have known. Occasionally I am surprised by a woman who just digs in like it’s just another project/goal and doesn’t beat herself up along the way. Not that common though in my experience and certainly not the way my mind works. I can be very encouraging with others, but for myself? I struggle with low self-esteem. My mind is not my friend. It’s ready to pounce and tell me everything that’s wrong with me – even if it has nothing to do with my weight. I mean, why does my mind keep throwing out “fat and stupid”?
I’m not stupid and I’m not even that fat – I’m just a little discouraged because I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. Of course, I can avoid the mirror, but the reality check is that my fitted, number-sized clothes are tight or don’t fit at all. I am mostly wearing my stretchy workout clothes that fit me plus or minus 10-15 pounds. I work from home, so I don’t have to wear regular clothes unless I go out – but that’s not an issue at the moment. (See “derailment” below).
I have bought the thin version of beauty – for better and for worse. I know I prefer to be thin. I look better and I feel better, but I hate the anxiety of the whole struggle. I’m in my late 40′s and it’s harder to stay thin than it used to be for me. Most of my life I have mostly been average to slim (size 4 or 6). Since my late thirties, I have to go to the gym often and regularly and I have to really limit calories to be thin. So if anything “derails” me (usually it is something emotional) and I let myself go a little or a lot – it shows up fast. The derailment this time? Unlucky in love……
Which brings me back to now and what I want to accomplish with this blog. In addition to my physical goal which is to be 15 pounds thinner in 6-8 weeks – back in my “thin clothes” and ready to wear and look good in a 2-piece bathing suit. And you know what, I don’t even own a 2-piece suit – it will be my victory purchase. Unless I buy one now (I currently have one saved on-line – see below) and use it to motivate myself as I start to visualize my self thin again. I could hang it up so I see it everyday – on the back of my door as a reminder of the goal.
Here is what I plan to do:
Week 1: Food/Diet & Exercise
- lean proteins + veggies
- no carbs, no alcohol, no desserts
- gym, 6 days out of 7 (Sundays off)
- aerobic (45 mins to 1 hour each visit)
- weight training (15 mins to half hour each visit)
- log daily detailed food intake and gym visits
I could use some weight loss/exercise buddies – if anyone reads this and wants to join in over the next 6-8 weeks. I will keep posting and will be honest about the process. I will let you know how the first week goes with a progress report next Sunday. If you feel inclined, please give feedback, self-motivation tips/tricks, whatever – I can use help and I am not usually one to ask, so I’m giving it a shot!
Wish me luck : )